Thank you BOB awards!
Vote for Celebrity Smack! We can't believe it either!
Finalists - Most Humorous Blog
Here are the finalists in the Most Humorous Blog Category.
1. Celebrity Smack!
2. Does This Mean I'm a Grown-Up?
3. Fat Eye for the Skinny Guy
5. Give me spirit fingers dammit!!
6. 'N is for Neville, who died of ennui
8. the cheese stands alone
9. The Monkey Cage
10. Wanda Wisdom
Voting begins on January 1, 2005 and will run through January 14, 2005.
Thank you all for voting for Celebrity Smack! We are very happy that you have helped to make us a SMACK-cess!!
Smackaholics, this article in the NY Post 'Lowdown' is a MUST read!!
Even a gossip columnist has limits.
Paris Hilton has finally abused mine.
Over the past five years - without any discernible talent, education, scruples, manners, modesty or underpants - the pretty blond great-granddaughter of hotel magnate Conrad Hilton has waged a terrifying campaign for world domination.
The arc of Paris' "career" - from rich, witless party girl to rich, witless party girl with a hit television show - is an insult to the American sense of fairness: the idea that you get ahead by working hard, playing by the rules and acquiring a skill of some sort.
Paris has bothered with none of the above, and yet society continues to reward her with money and fame.
The British actor Stephen Fry put it best when he observed recently to Lowdown that being Paris "takes a startling vanity, an enormous lack of selfknowledge and a huge amount of greed and desire."
What is it about this otherwise unremarkable 23-year-old that can provoke such seething outrage?
Let me count the ways:
WHILE OTHERS SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR BAD BEHAVIOR, PARIS JUST SKATES: When she was caught on video making nice to two African-American men, then treacherously calling them "dumb n-s" after they left, it might have been a career-ender, but Paris barely got her wrists slapped. Even after her former friend Brandon Davis claimed: "She is a racist, plus an idiot. ... She puts down Jews and other minorities, too. And I'm Jewish." Paris - who, according to published reports, tried to buy the tape to take it out of circulation - sidestepped the issue of using racial epithets but declared: "I love everybody and am not a person who discriminates against anyone - ever."
IT MUST BE TOUGH - MAKE THAT VICIOUS - LOVE: Shortly after issuing her affirmation of universal undifferentiated affection, Paris was spotted at the nightclub Marquee trying to oust a fellow blond from a table: "The blond held her arms up in the air in a 'Bring it on' kind of way," reported The New York Observer. "Paris reached into an ice bucket passing by and, cackling, launched some cubes at her. 'You're the f-g ugliest bitch ever!' Paris screamed," according to The Observer.
SHE DOESN'T JUST STRAIN CREDULITY, SHE HERNIATES IT: After the infamous videotaped sex romp with ex-boyfriend Rick Salomon - from which she earned a reported $400,000 - Paris claimed to Rolling Stone: "I'm not a sexual person, really. I don't really care about sex. If I'm in a relationship, we don't even do anything, really. We just watch TV. I'm too lazy." Her mother, Kathy Hilton, insisted to Vanity Fair: "Paris is the most modest girl." Meanwhile, Paris recently told the "Today" show's Matt Lauer: "Like, I work every single day. ... I really work my butt off."
HER SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT KNOWS NO BOUNDS: At Bungalow 8, Paris "swanned to the head of the long bathroom line, as is her custom," my colleague Ben Widdicombe wrote last month. "But when Lindsay [Lohan's] friends tried to do the same thing, there was a rank-and-file rebellion. 'But Paris just did it,' whined one Lohan hanger-on. A gatekeeper responded: 'Yeah, but she does it every week. Now get to the back of the line.'"
SHE'S PROUD TO BE SNOBBISH: Asked by Entertainment Weekly if she still keeps in touch with the Ledings of Altus, Ark., the family that gave her bed and board for the first season of "The Simple Life," Paris answered coldly: "I changed my number." A wounded Janet Leding later complained: "She made us sound like we were trying to stalk her."
SHE'S A BAD TIPPER: In August, after Paris, Christina Aguilera and their respective posses ordered late-night food at Miami's Raleigh Hotel, they reportedly left a $12 gratuity on a $300 check.
SHE'S SHAMELESS: When her much-hyped but little-listened-to single, "Screwed," was leaked, as my colleagues Rush & Molloy reported, Paris showed up at nightclubs and insisted that her deejay pals play it over and over, assaulting the eardrums of innocent paying customers.
CONSISTENCY? HOBGOBLIN OF LITTLE MINDS! Paris eagerly posed for a poster to tout Sean Combs' "Vote or Die" crusade during the recent presidential election, then didn't vote - or, for that matter, even register, according to public records obtained by Lowdown.
SHE HAS DISTRESSING TASTE IN MEN: Yes, Paris once dated blue-chip movie star Leonardo DiCaprio, back in the last century, but the quality of her boyfriends seems to have declined - and steeply - after that. Among her many, many paramours: occasional rehab denizen Edward Furlong, womanizer Jared Leto, "Girls Gone Wild" promoter Joe Francis, notorious porn purveyor Salomon, shrill punk-rocker Deryck Whibley, "Australian Idol" contestant Robert Mills and bubblegum crooner Nick Carter - who denied causing the bruises that suddenly showed up on her face last summer.
SHE PROBABLY WON'T EVEN READ THIS COLUMN: The literacy cops should dispatch an emergency bookmobile, sirens blaring. Pressed by Barbara Walters, Paris claimed to have cracked the down-market chick-lit novel "Man-eater," but there's no evidence that she even read her own book, a satirical how-to manual titled "Confessions of an Heiress." When Hilton's "co-author" Merle Ginsberg congratulated her on hitting The Wall Street Journal's best-seller list, Paris replied, "What's The Wall Street Journal? Is that good?"
Make no mistake: I plead guilty to having been one of Paris' enablers - encouraging and even celebrating her silly ways through countless boldface mentions.
I admit that Paris and I have been snared in an ugly web of mutual addiction: She to all the lurid ink, me to all the pointless drama.
But on the "Today" show this morning, I'm planning to announce my New Year's resolution: going cold turkey. No more Paris Hilton.
Far be it from me to advise other practitioners in the gossip game, but I'm through with her.
We're a better country than that.
Iraq is a better country than that.
But I don't want to be unreasonable about it.
If she discovers a cure for cancer, wins the Nobel Peace Prize, launches herself into outer space - or even gets her high- school diploma - I'll be happy to revisit the issue.
But until then, this is the last time you'll see Paris in Lowdown.
Lloyd Grove With Hudson Morgan
Originally published on December 23, 2004
Lloyd....The Smack LOVES you!
Rick Springfield had most of us creaming our Sassoon jeans in the early 80's. He was THE hot piece back then I tell ya. Ms. Spicy Pants even had a poster of him over her canopy bed.
Well just look at what he's become!
Is that make-up on his face? It's about 6 shades too light! Rick, you might want to use concealer around the eyes next time as well. You look like you have been on a 3 day blow binge with all that sweat and claminess!
Thank you for not only snagging my bandwidth, but an extra special thanks for stealing my writing as well.
You stupid prick.
Hope your readers enjoy the goatse pics I uploaded to your page.
You may know Petra Nemcova from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
The gorgeous 25 year old was vacationing in Thailand when the tsunami hit. Petra and her 33-year-old boyfriend, fashion photographer Simon Atlee, were swept out of the house they were in by the huge wave. Petra somehow managed to grab a palm tree and hold on as she watched her boyfriend get swept away. She held on for the next 8 hours with a broken pelvis and survived. Her boyfriend has yet to be found.
Have you heard about/seen the email floating around the net? If not, let me indulge you, Smackaholics..
Paris Hilton, looking rather beat, the newly gaunt Lindsay Lohan and Ashlee 'Nose' Simpson, partying the night away at KOI in L.A. earlier this month.
This young woman apparently claims to have found Lindsay Lohan's wallet on the ground in NY's Upper East Side earlier this month. Not only was the redhead's ID & Amex in there, so was (shock!) cocaine! Any truth to the story? It hasn't been completely verified or proven to be a prank as of yet. Even if it is true I'm sure her publicists will do their best to sweep it under the rug. One thing we do know however, is that the New York Post reported that on December 4th Ms. Lohan lost her handbag.
Here's the email in question...
"Hey Girls, I just wanted to update you about our weekend in NYC. Of course it was Liz's birthday so it was bound to be a crazy time...you know it's never a dull moment when two or more of us P.C. girls get together! Well, for those of you who didn't receive a late night phone call Saturday night from Liz, Ill fill you in on what happened... When we got off the subway in Manhattan, me Liz and Charley were attempting to catch a cab when I saw something laying on the street...it looked like a wallet so I kicked it over to Charley and said "what's this?" Charley picked it up and we jumped into the cab. Inside the cab Charley opened the wallet and found a license, an American Express Black card, a $20 bill rolled tight, and a folded up $1 bill. He yells: "Oh my God, guess who's wallet this is!" I said: "Who's? I found it, hand it over!" To my surprise it was Lindsay Lohan's California license and credit card! I took out the dollar bill and unfolded it to find a rather large bag of what looked to be cocaine! I couldn't believe my eyes! We had a pop star's wallet with illegal drugs and she's only 18! The first thing that came to mind was to blackmail for a large amount of cash or a casting in her next movie... Unfortunately I've learned that publicity might not be so appealing when you have tons of strange people calling your cell phone to buy your story. Since I had no idea if I should keep the wallet or send it back, I called US Weekly for advice. US Weekly called Lindsay's publicist and the next thing I knew I was getting calls from her publicist threatening to sue me. She wanted my home address so she can send a driver out to pick it up. I refused to give her any personal information. The National Inquirer called me about 8X to buy my story for $2500 (which keeps going up every time I talk to them), they want to take pictures of the evidence, give me a polygraph, and interview me tomorrow. I don't think its the morally correct thing to do and I'm not sure its the safest either. the New York Post has attempted to contact me (check for an article in tomorrow's paper, most likely it will not be a completely accurate story), the NYPD (who threatened to arrest me if I don't hand over the goods since they claim it is government property), and some strange people who wouldn't even tell me who they were (but thought I was dumb enough to give them my address). I don't know who to believe and what to do with the wallet. I told Lindsay's publicist that I would like to return it to her in person so that I knew it was going to her. She said she would ask her. Supposedly Lindsay was freaked out by the whole thing and was crying hysterically and denied ever doing any drugs. The publicist told me she only drinks a lot and likes to party, and smokes cigarettes, but what 18 year old doesn't...what a publicist she is! She also claimed to have called Lindsay's parents who called their lawyer and is ready to sue me if I make any wrong moves. At this point I’m kind of afraid to answer my phone anymore b/c I’m scared someone might get my address and come to my house. I think what I will do is just mail it to her house in Beverly Hills tomorrow and hope it gets to her. Anyway, I scanned the license and the credit card for you guys to see just for kicks. I blacked out her street address b/c I don't know what kind of trouble I can get into and I have to be careful! The black card is cancelled, but it would have been nice to have a night of unlimited spending on Lindsay Lohan for Liz's 24th birthday!"
The supposed scanned personal item's of Lindsay's
Whether it is the truth or not remains to be seen. The only thing in question is Lindsay's middle name. We have always thought it was Morgan. (It is.) Other than that, I wouldn't doubt the story for a second. Someone Smack some sense into that girl! Regardless!
Tommy Lee recently told Blender magazine that he hasn't seen the infamous Paris Hilton Sex Tape.
Second only to his own movie with ex wife Pam Anderson.
"I haven't seen it yet," he said. "But I heard she's got really ugly toes - that her feet are crazy-looking. I'm a foot man, so when I heard that, I was like, 'I don't know if I'm gonna see it.' I heard her feet are up in the camera, a lot of these crazy feet shots."
After reading this I had to investigate. And sure enough I found some great pics of Paris' little piggys.