The Smack Contributor Contest Winner, La Cabrita, Smacks Kevin Federline!

One night after too many Tater Tots, I slipped into a food coma and drifted off to sleep. Here was my nightmare... a blind date with Kevin Federline.
This one is a chafe of the tallest order.
Not unlike having Hot Shot weed killer poured on a sandpapered open wound. For some reason I have agreed to go on a blind date with the Prince of Fresno, Kevin Federline Spears. Skeezy new gangsta-talking husband of the heinous Britney Spears.
Ewwwwww.
He fits in with her cain't wouldn't Louisiana kin to be sure. But what is he doing here with me? At the Ivy? What is wrong with this person? He is so nasty. Does he bathe? Not likely considering his wife's sporadic/non-existent ablutions. He's oily. He wears hats that say "Rock Out With Your Cock Out."
Ewwwwww again.
What the Hell am I doing out with him? Los Angeles, California, The Ivy on Robertson.
He's too drunk to drive so he rolls up to the restaurant in a Hummer driven by one of the wife's knuckle-dragging Cro-Magnon Man bodyguards. He is wearing a shiny white nylon prison-style do-rag with a stained t-shirt and his pants belted around his knees. He tosses his lit cigarette into the vibrant, beautiful periwinkle hydrangea bushes outside The Ivy.
He snorts, clears his throat, and spits an enormous greenish-yellow land oyster in the general direction of the bushes and misses. Oops, dude. Big loogey on the sidewalk. Star Magazine captures this on film from their photographic bivouac across Robertson Drive.
He stumbles up the five stairs to the patio and weaves his way to my table. He crashes into his chair and says, "Yo yo yo. What up, beyotch? Nice rack. We beat feet and git to Chili's. Dat place da bomb. Be one in the Valley. Later I give ya a little sumpinsumpin."
Eeek.
Before the hostess reaches our choice celeb-sectiontable to welcome the once and future king of the trailer park, I glance sideways and plot my escape. I make an intuitive decision, not unlike the woman who doesn't get on the elevator with a strange man. It's survival.
There will be no grilled, chopped vegetable and prawn salad today. No kalamata olive bread. No delicate fruit tart with fairy-dusting of powdered sugar. I shudder, reach into my purse, grab a twenty to pay for my diet Coke and toss it on the table. I sprint like Flo-Jo from the patio, hurdle the balcony and stairs, pause for a moment to bend over the hydrangea, and then head toward the parking garage.
I swallow repeatedly and wipe my eyes and nose because I have just thrown up.
I awake in a cold sweat with my heart racing and my ears ringing.
There, there, it's over now. It was a nightmare, it wasn't real.

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Special thanks to La Cabrita! The Smack Contributor Contest Winner!

Please visit La Cabrita's kickass blog at:

LA CABRITA SUSANITA

Thanks to everyone who contributed! All entries were great!

Last Chance to enter the Smack Contributor Contest!

Today is the last day to get your 'Smack Rant' entry in to Spicy Pants. Thanks to all the people who have sent in their celebrity rants so far. There are some great ones! If your entry is chosen The Smack will publish your entry, showcase your blog and give you much props. Entries can be as short or as long as you like, just be original! (More Details..)

Saturday Night Live's Tina Fey, a Late Bloomer

SNL's hottie 'Weekend Update' co-anchor didn't always used to be so hot.

Tina Fey in highschool.
The sharply coy SNL babe is hot, why? Because she has that librarian behind-closed-doors mystique about her and can hold her own in a barfight, that's why. But this nerds delight of a fox wasn't always so hip and coveted...as you can see!

Jenny McCarthy Still Got It!

This former 'Singled Out' hostess still looks fab!

Jenny during a recent photoshoot.
Yeah, the big hair might not be complimentary, but you cannot deny, that even after having a baby Ms. McCarthy is looking quite delish!

Keep 'Em Coming!

Thanks for all of the entries so far!
You have until Friday to get YOURS in!

* We'll be back Smackin' your ass tomorrow!

The Smack 'Guest Contributor' Contest

Feeling Snarky?

Celebrity Smack wants YOU to send in a rant about a celebrity of your choice. Make it good! Be creative in your entry. There pretty much aren't any rules, just don't be a complete fucking idiot. The chosen entry will be published here on The Smack this upcoming weekend. Make sure and include your name & blog so we can give you props (and HITS!)

Start Smackin'

>>>Email Your Entry to SpicyPants!
All entries become property of CelebritySmack! Mwuahaha!

Kelsey Grammer Falls

I doubt it's the first time...

Kelsey Grammer on His Face

*hiccup*

(Thanks ebaumsworld.com)

Britney's Sportin a Bigger Bod

She is no doubt showing these days.


Torpedo Titties

And damn, her cans are HUGE...and oh so cone-like!

One of the Most Rockin' Performances Ever on SNL

System of a Down absolutely rocked the house on this week's Saturday Night Live.
If you didn't see it you missed out!